"So You're Gay Now?" Facebook & Myspace Protocol

Originally Posted 3/30/09


Since social networking via the internet has reached new heights (even my mom has a facebook now lol) very few things about us can be kept private anymore. It used to be that we were only faced with running into old flames, friends, classmates, teachers, employers, and fucks at high school reunions and the occassional friend of a friends Halloween party, but now that social network sites such as Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter seem to have replaced actual face time we are forced to deal with our past and give glimpses into our present on a daily basis. Now anyone out there with access to a high speed connection and a gmail account can find out what our mood is, what we ate for lunch, who we fucked last night, and who we were messaging for a booty call early this morning…not too mention even more important aspects of our lives.
When joining a social networking site we are typically asked to fill out profile information and reveal as much as we are comfortable with about our personal lives. The typical questions asked are where we live, where we work, where we went to school, what kind of music and movies we like, what are current relationship status is and ofcourse what sexual gender were trolling after at this junction of our lives. This poses a problem for some people as once this information hits the internet it is available at the click of a mouse or as I like to say “the oogle of a google” to anyone looking for a view of who you “really” are these days. Even sites that offer private profiles are still penetratable through hacking or as long as someone wants to get in contact with an added friend of yours who does have the “secret password” to get into your top 8. By the way mine is popscicle.
While some people feel intruded upon, stalked or are just plain uninterested in divulging anything on their social profile there are some of us who are open books waiting to be read, myself included. I live my life loud and proud and aside from the “anoynmous nature” of this blog (i do have a real one where I go by my real name and talk without nicknames, its just not as dirty) put myself out there when it comes to divulging information on the internet. I fill out all areas of profiles and since the day I decided to start riding the L train have been upfront with who I am and who I am fucking. This brings me to homo facebook and myspace protocol.
I am constantly faced with the lovely and oh so classy question of “So your gay now?” to which my reply is “I always have been, just decided to stop fighting it.” This question tends to mostly come from old classmates but can really come out of nowhere in my intersphere. Emolesbo and I were discussing this last night and she is constantly bombarded with the question whenever she adds a new/old friend as well. How to handle this? We aren’t quite sure there is a perfect system but mine seems to be fairly adequate.

1. Decide if you want to be out or not. Bottom line. Either go for it or don’t, you have to make this decision in your online life just as you do in your real life. From experience I can tell you its way too difficult to be out to some online friends and not to others. Make it easy on yourself and choose.
2. So you decided to be out. Great! Now make sure it looks that way, fill out your sexual orientation or who you are “looking for” apopropriately. This will help you dodge a lot of confusion, weird flirations and possibly even some questioning.
3. Show your pride. Of course people will ask about it in a negative way (especially if you were “the most boy crazy girl they ever knew” but that can be avoided in a lot of cases if you just show that its who you are and something you are proud of. Post photos of your partner and family, add some gay friendly flare, pick a good old quote from Anias Nin, or a lyric from Tegan and Sara and what the hell post some hot L Word photos on your corkboard if the mood strikes.
4. When asked the inevitable question by someone too ignorant to read the signs, answer honestly, don’t dodge the question or feel a need to give them proof. I usually give a quick little recap on my life so far, talk about my mistakes with my marriage to a man, about how I never felt comfortable in my own skin when it came to my sexuality and explain that I was born this way and was just trying my damndest to push away those feelings and fit the norm. Ofcourse I mention Nightrider and my fabulous relationship and wonderful family and leave it at that. If they wan’t to ask question hopefully I have made them realize how comfortable I am with who I am a who I love and maybe just maybe I have given them their first glimpse into the gay world and have helped them to have a more open mind.

Now that the rules have been set what happens next is really hard to call. A few experiences I’ve had have resulted in completely different ways.

ChurchGirl and I were friends in highschool, we didn’t hang out outside of school but we spent alot of time in numerous choirs together and when you have spent 24 hours on a bus with someone its expected they will probably be an aquaintance at some later point in your life. Well when I joined facebook ChurchGirl was one of the first to add me. I accepted the request and awaited ridicule from her and her God fearing way of thinking. After a couple days she finally wrote me:

It has been forever since I have seen or heard from you…how are things going? I noticed that your status says you are in a relationship but weren’t you married? I have missed a whole lot it seems! Let me know what you have been up to the last few years! I miss our Encore days and all the fun we had!

Now i’m sure she already knew the answer to her question, especially since my facebook was full of photos of me and Nightrider (who is obviously a lesbian even if my femme ways don’t showcase it to the untrained eye) but this was in my opinion a pretty classy way to ask about it.

My response to her:
Its good to hear from you! Actually i did get married but we are divorced, we just werent right for eachother, and got married just because thats what we thought was the next step. I am in a relationship now and have been for almost a year with a wonderful woman who completely rocks my world. Its kinda a weird transition and it takes time to get used to the ridicule involved with my choices but its who i have honestly always been and just tried to hide. I am happier than i have ever been and now know what real love feels like. Its amazing! How are you doing?

I was respecting a response along the lines of “You are going to burn in hell” from her but was pleasantly suprised by her sweetness and understanding. I guess you never really know how people are going to act.

Last week I logged onto AIM which I havent been on in a very long time. Two of my exboyfriends happened to be logged in and I carried conversations with both of them.

Wolfy was an incredibly attractive, for a man, jock I had briefly dated my Freshman year. We were a really mismatched couple and I broke up with him due to the fact that I was more interested in my leggy bestfriend then I was in him. We came across that we were both still in Boise and he asked if I would let him take me to dinner sometime. I had made the mistake and not let him know right away that I was madly in love with a woman, and had to break the news to him after the date invite. He took it really weird, said there was no way I could be a “true” lesbian and that “i just hadnt met the right guy yet” Wow what a charmer. He also continued to prod me for a date or atleast a quick fuck. Ew, needless to say he is now removed from my AIM and my life.

GIDane and I dated numerous times through Jr. High and High School. He was sweet, not overly masculine and treated me with a lot of respect. He and I got to talked and he initially asked me how my ex and I were doing, I informed him of the divorce, of meeting Nightrider and coming out of the closet and he was extremely supportive of my choices. While he did say that it was too bad I wasn’t straight and single that he was genuinely happy that I found someone that I loved so much. We have talked more sense and he has even offered to be a sperm donor (with no strings attached) should Nightrider and I decide to expand our family.

I guess you just have to take the good with the bad! Happy refriending!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Lost In Translation (The L Word Season Finale)

Originally Posted 3/10/2009

Lost in Translation is what the final episode of the L Word should have been titled because seriously that must be where the storyline and answers to all the burning questions of the Tibette Loving, Crazy Jenny Hating, You’re Looking Very Shane Today Lustful, I Love It When My Peeper Touches Your Peeper Fascinated, Bring Carmen & Her Booty Shorts Back Pleading, OMG I’m Going to Vomit If Shenny Doesn’t Break Up Soon, lesbian and bicurious fanbase have to be.
From what I have witnessed on other blogs, boards and by word of mouth even with the extremely dissapointing season 6 that we will refure to as “This Season Tastes Like Poopy Shit” the loyal fans were still tuning in meerly out of nothing but respect for the once thrilling, sexy, make you want to jump right on out of your own self loathing homophobia pickled closet, eat some gay brownies and listen to some Uh Huh Her, Showtime drama about Lesbians “like us” and the Way That We Live. We, myself included, were all hoping that even with the train wreck that this season has been, that we wouldnt be let down by our portal into the world of InterFuckingConectedness and that our beloved L word would pick her self up and leave with some dignity. Sadly the trend for this season remained in full force and left us hanging still waiting to ascertain the intent and disposition of one Miss Ilene Chaiken. My top guess on that intent would be money in her pocket and a movie deal in the horizon.
I would recap but its just to painful, however you can find some great recaps, screencaps and opinions of how shitty this finale was here from one of my favorite bloggers Dorothy Surrenders
Now I leave you L Word tag surfers and faithful readers with the only good part of the whole finale.

And This Is Stiletto, My "Lesbian" Friend

Originally Posted On Old Blog 3/4/2009

I have a lot of straight people in my life, I’m very fortunate that for the most part they support me and my family in all its homo glory. I was lucky enough that when I came out I didn’t really have any negative feedback and didnt lose any of my true friends to my faggotry but I have become “the gay friend” to quite a few people.
First off let me say that I really don’t mind being the first person you have ever been close to that is gay. It’s in someways a privlegde, I am lucky enough to be a bit of spice and diversity in your social circle, and in some cases I get to be the person that helps you to be more open minded, to not feel like we are a whole other species, and to possibly change your perspective for the better. I feel like by being out of the closet and in some cases subjecting myself to those who know no other way then what the bible and their conservative ideals have taught them I am doing a small part in helping the gay community as a whole.
So now that I have mentioned the positives, here are the negatives for being the “gay friend”. Having to always be your ticket into gay culture, having to holding your hand and protect you from the predatory lesbians and drag queens who want to compare their falseys to your realsys at the local queer club, also the fact that when we go out I have to fight you to go to the queer club. Also after losing that battle, having to forgo kissing my girlfriend to avoid the dirty looks from the breeders, and having to protect my ASSests from frat boys wanting to play grab ass at your favorite club. Other problems is how you introduce me to people, “this is Stiletto shes my lesbian friend I was telling you about”. You don’t hear me saying to anyone who will listen “this is Cupcake, she enjoys art, vegan food, and oh by the way she loves the cock.” I don’t go around informing everyone who you bed so why not leave it up to me to out myself to the other people in your life when i feel like it. Another problem with being your friend of the homo variety, the fact that you automatically assume that i’m hitting on you if I say you look nice. Is every straight male in your life attracted to you? I think not! So not every lesbian wants you either and frankly you just aren’t my type.

Here’s my list of do’s and don’ts for having a lesbo in your social circle!

• Don’t treat my relationships like they aren’t on the same level as yours just because we legally can’t get married, file taxes together, or have kids the good old fashioned way.
• Do love me unconditionally no matter who I’m fucking or thinking about fucking, its no different then me seeing past who your bring home these days.
• Don’t out me to people I just met, leave that to me, i’m the one whose living it so trust me I know how and when to do it.
• Do use me as an example of how you can be a professional, in a serious relationship, have great kids who are extremely well adjusted to bust any of those horrible gay myths out there!
• Don’t make me pretend to be your girl friend in gay social settings because honestly it wont work. I know you may not want to get hit on but the community already knows me, my type and my lover.
• Do expand your horizons, ask me questions you don’t understand about gay culture, rights and anything else you can think of.
  

And last but not least….

• Don’t get drunk and try to make out with me just because your bicurious, if you really want to give it a shot i’m sure I can find someone who would love to be your first time.
  Follow these rules and our friendship will be great, plus I can direct you the fabulous wonder that is drag shows, the best sex toys and even to some hot dykes should you ever decide to switch teams.

Fighting The Femme- A Personal History

This Post Was Originally Posted On My Old Wordpress Site 2/11/09

The last 20+ years of my life have been spent going through a process of finding my place in the scheme of a identity dominated world. While now I can completely identify as a femme lesbian, it was a long process of finding myself that got me here. I now see that to own who i am and be happy in the skin that I am in, as well as the overpriced shoes, I really had to come full circle in my own process of self discovery.
Before I was old enough to understand the difference between formal and casual, the repercussions of style choices, and the image portrayed by style markers I felt my most comfortable in dresses frilly dresses, anything pink and over the top. I was a drag queen from the womb despite my tomboy of a mother’s best efforts but as I got older I began to understand that dressing up was better on occassion and found myself in with the in crowd in denim and oversized sweaters.
In my late years of single digits, I found myself bothered by my unattraction to the boys in my class and my amourous feelings towards my very best girlfriends. Sleepovers were a dream with anticipated moments of sleeping next to girl who gave me butterflies, and practicing kissing during truth or dare, but also that of a nightmare with the inevitable questions of “What boy do you like”. When a response of “No one really” didnt seem to suffice I always found myself listing the names of aesthetically unconventional boys who offered more sensitivity then the boy wonders my friends were swooning over. I found myself completely flabergasted as to what the hell was wrong with me. Questions filled my mind Why don’t I think boy wonder is a hottie? Why do I tingle in places I didnt know could tingle at the thought of my gorgeous best friend? Why do I get mad when she hangs up on me to answer a phone call from the jock strap shes pining for? Do all girls feel this way? The answer I now have an understanding of…. No only little gay girls feel this way.
When friendships ended either due to my possessive and obsessive ways, jealous tendenacys and questions of my orientation were whispered in the halls my first reaction was along the lines of keeping my friends close and my enemies closer. I befriended the boys I loathed. I wanted to not only figure out what they offered that I didnt to the girl of my dreams, but also wanted to defeat the feeling that something was wrong with me. Being a tomboy was a sanctuary for me, if i was just one of the guys why couldnt i secretly be interested in girls.
The tomboy period of my life was when i chopped off all my hair (which probably didnt help the lesbian rumors) played more basketball then i can stomach, and hid my curvacious body in oversized t shirts and loose fitting Levi’s. This was also a time of heterosexual experiment for me. As much as I tried to just be one of the boys and to hide my ever growing tits and hips being that close with the boys, and being that uninterested seemed to be a green light for sexual advances and a lot of you show me and I’ll show you.
Boys seemed to like me and as news spread that i was up for show and tell more boys steered in my direction. I became popular with girls again too (probably because there were lots of boys around me) and decided the best way for me to be “Normal” was as a boy crazy girl next door type. I talked about boys not stop, was always persuing someone (still someone unconventional ofcourse) and while I wasn’t quite the picture of hyperfemminity that i am today, i started to flaunt my body and play up my best features.
This worked for me through jr high and high school. I remained a virgin but was still a bit on the easy side, always had a boyfriend and adopoted whatever type of style my current group of friends was directing towards. I spent time being athletic in sweats, some time in a artists hippy-chic phase, and spent a good chunk of my sophmore and jr year in a punk phase that was almost laughable. While it was fun changing things all the time, i found myself always playing a character. Never being who i really was. I was hindered by my closeted sexual unnacceptance of myself and tried the dull the pain of hiding my sexuality with random sex, alcohol and an over dependence on male attention.
After i graduated high school i did a breif stint in college and then decided i would rather get a job and play house then further studies of the kind of woman i wanted to be but could honestly never see myself having the gumpshun to become. I married a man at age 20 that i had been seeing since high school and threw myself into a job working for yuppies where i found myself always trying to keep up with the jones’. During this time though I did find my way back into feminitiy by trying to be a business professional and perfect wife.
As I got older and more secure in myself and being true to my own idenity my marriage began to crumble. While i was the male dream of perfection with my girlish style I still wanted independence and the capability to be a strong women, not to mention a woman who loved other women.
I began seeing women on the side and had a few short lived relationship consisting mostly of sex with no boundaries and experimentation, i still went home to my husband everynight and claimed to be “Heteroflexible” when proded by friends. I was the poster child for one of the things I can’t stand and did alot of things I wasnt proud of. I found my self in a place where i was fighting the hardest battle against my sexual and gender identity that I ever could imagine. I new that i was a lesbian but I didn’t know how to hold on to my feminity in the process. Here in Boise we have a large population of lesbians, but most of them are the androgynous types. There was no real model of femme here and it was hard to invison myself fitting into the community and still holding to the femminity it took me so long to allow myself to have.
It was when i met Nightrider (See my “Who’s Lipstick Is It” page) everything became clear. She was the most amazing woman that i ever met and everything that I found attractive i found in her. She was my first true dyke. A handsome boi with an acceptance of herself and an understanding of who I was. She was the first person to ever take the time to help me understand my identity and the first to ever flat out call me a femme. I could now understand how i fit into the gay community and how what really mattered was how i felt about myself and the person i loved. Falling in love with her, was part of the process in falling in love with my true self. Now i find myself still blissfully happy with Nightrider living my life loud and proud and at a point where i have finally stopped fighting the femme.