Perpetual Cheating...Breaking The Cycle

Originally Posted 2/18/09

I am a big giant cheater, and not proud of it.

Now before you worry that I have done the unthinkable and ruined my realtionship with Nightrider, I assure you that I have done no such thing. While i may identify as a cheater, I have never even so much at looked at another woman (or man) since i met her.
Back to the point…. I am a big giant cheater. I always have been. I have never been able to keep it in my pants or under my skirt, so to speak. I bore easily, love the excitement of flirtation and being desired and to be blunt i just love fucking. Aside from current smitten kitten i have never been faithful to a partner. I was with my ex husband for 5 years and cheated on him more times then i can count on one hand. He accepted my snatchy cheaterdome and eventually allowed an open marriage, to which i then began new casusal relationships and even found myself cheating on those i was technically cheating with.
I just can’t help it, i thrive on flirtation, on exuding sex, on cat calls and bootycalls. I go crazy for the thrill of the unknown, for first times and the chance to see how bad you want it and what you will do to get it. The moments of passion and pulling away, the murmurs of This is so wrong, but it feels so right, and the sneaking out of a warm bed to a cold backseat.
My relationship with Nightrider was founded on a cheating escapade. I was still married and making my way from lap to lap, fucking in cars, parks, public bathrooms and in some cases on broken futons in friends garages. My phone was blowing up with calls from bicurious women, unhappily married men, and standby fuck buddies. Then Nightrider came into the picture and our intentions with eachother were that of a good time, an occasionally romp, and a friendship when the heat fizzled. But as our bodies colided for the first time, her fingers fitting perfectly inside me, and her eyes staying focused on mine I did the unimagineable, i fell in love. I changed my phone number, told old fucks to take a hike, removed personal ads, finalized a divorce and decided that she was the one who would change everything. The one who would change me.
It has been over a year and i have remained intent on being faithful, i don’t find myself bored, or thinking of mounting the stranger across the room. Have i beaten it, broken the cycle? Defeated the ideas that once a cheater always a cheater and that what starts in chaos can only end in chaos? What does it take for perpetual cheater to become a faithful lover?
Apparently in this case, it just being with the right person.

Monday, June 1, 2009

A Love Letter For Nightrider

Originally Posted On Old Site 2/12/09


I was working on a Valentines Day present for Nightrider and I came across and old love letter i wrote her and couldn’t resist posting the mush. Hey its that time of year.
When you look at me in that special way, where your eyes see through my soul and I feel it all the way down to my toes. Where for that split second I forget the world and get lost in your eyes, when I feel as if I have reached the top of a rollercoaster and my stomach is in knots in excitement and anticipation of the fall. It’s How your fingertips always find their way to my lower back after a rough day, and your touch instantly helps me breathe easier. It’s the way you know exactly what to say when I am tired of the drama that life requires and want to run away from everything but you. It’s the way you smile at me when I do something ridiculous, with that true smile that shows humility without judgment and admiration for me even when I am not my best. It’s when we are out with other people and no matter who we are around your hand still always finds mine. It’s when we make love and I can feel you making me your whole world as I am making you mine while being able to close my eyes, relax and allow you to consume every part of me. Its waking up in the middle of the night from a dead sleep just because I hear your breathing change, and I automatically roll over and hold you just to make sure you are alright and as comfortable as possible. Its when I ask about your day and actually really want to hear a real aswer, as lengthy as it may be. Its about facing all life altering moments and combating the fear of change, and trusting that everything will be ok as long as you always say my name the way you do and always allow me to love you all the way to my fingertips. Its loving you so much that the superficial nature of the human heart evolves to pride, faith, and love. It’s the way loving you wakes up every part of me and makes me feel alive.