The last 20+ years of my life have been spent going through a process of finding my place in the scheme of a identity dominated world. While now I can completely identify as a femme lesbian, it was a long process of finding myself that got me here. I now see that to own who i am and be happy in the skin that I am in, as well as the overpriced shoes, I really had to come full circle in my own process of self discovery.
Before I was old enough to understand the difference between formal and casual, the repercussions of style choices, and the image portrayed by style markers I felt my most comfortable in dresses frilly dresses, anything pink and over the top. I was a drag queen from the womb despite my tomboy of a mother’s best efforts but as I got older I began to understand that dressing up was better on occassion and found myself in with the in crowd in denim and oversized sweaters.
In my late years of single digits, I found myself bothered by my unattraction to the boys in my class and my amourous feelings towards my very best girlfriends. Sleepovers were a dream with anticipated moments of sleeping next to girl who gave me butterflies, and practicing kissing during truth or dare, but also that of a nightmare with the inevitable questions of “What boy do you like”. When a response of “No one really” didnt seem to suffice I always found myself listing the names of aesthetically unconventional boys who offered more sensitivity then the boy wonders my friends were swooning over. I found myself completely flabergasted as to what the hell was wrong with me. Questions filled my mind Why don’t I think boy wonder is a hottie? Why do I tingle in places I didnt know could tingle at the thought of my gorgeous best friend? Why do I get mad when she hangs up on me to answer a phone call from the jock strap shes pining for? Do all girls feel this way? The answer I now have an understanding of…. No only little gay girls feel this way.
When friendships ended either due to my possessive and obsessive ways, jealous tendenacys and questions of my orientation were whispered in the halls my first reaction was along the lines of keeping my friends close and my enemies closer. I befriended the boys I loathed. I wanted to not only figure out what they offered that I didnt to the girl of my dreams, but also wanted to defeat the feeling that something was wrong with me. Being a tomboy was a sanctuary for me, if i was just one of the guys why couldnt i secretly be interested in girls.
The tomboy period of my life was when i chopped off all my hair (which probably didnt help the lesbian rumors) played more basketball then i can stomach, and hid my curvacious body in oversized t shirts and loose fitting Levi’s. This was also a time of heterosexual experiment for me. As much as I tried to just be one of the boys and to hide my ever growing tits and hips being that close with the boys, and being that uninterested seemed to be a green light for sexual advances and a lot of you show me and I’ll show you.
Boys seemed to like me and as news spread that i was up for show and tell more boys steered in my direction. I became popular with girls again too (probably because there were lots of boys around me) and decided the best way for me to be “Normal” was as a boy crazy girl next door type. I talked about boys not stop, was always persuing someone (still someone unconventional ofcourse) and while I wasn’t quite the picture of hyperfemminity that i am today, i started to flaunt my body and play up my best features.
This worked for me through jr high and high school. I remained a virgin but was still a bit on the easy side, always had a boyfriend and adopoted whatever type of style my current group of friends was directing towards. I spent time being athletic in sweats, some time in a artists hippy-chic phase, and spent a good chunk of my sophmore and jr year in a punk phase that was almost laughable. While it was fun changing things all the time, i found myself always playing a character. Never being who i really was. I was hindered by my closeted sexual unnacceptance of myself and tried the dull the pain of hiding my sexuality with random sex, alcohol and an over dependence on male attention.
After i graduated high school i did a breif stint in college and then decided i would rather get a job and play house then further studies of the kind of woman i wanted to be but could honestly never see myself having the gumpshun to become. I married a man at age 20 that i had been seeing since high school and threw myself into a job working for yuppies where i found myself always trying to keep up with the jones’. During this time though I did find my way back into feminitiy by trying to be a business professional and perfect wife.
As I got older and more secure in myself and being true to my own idenity my marriage began to crumble. While i was the male dream of perfection with my girlish style I still wanted independence and the capability to be a strong women, not to mention a woman who loved other women.
I began seeing women on the side and had a few short lived relationship consisting mostly of sex with no boundaries and experimentation, i still went home to my husband everynight and claimed to be “Heteroflexible” when proded by friends. I was the poster child for one of the things I can’t stand and did alot of things I wasnt proud of. I found my self in a place where i was fighting the hardest battle against my sexual and gender identity that I ever could imagine. I new that i was a lesbian but I didn’t know how to hold on to my feminity in the process. Here in Boise we have a large population of lesbians, but most of them are the androgynous types. There was no real model of femme here and it was hard to invison myself fitting into the community and still holding to the femminity it took me so long to allow myself to have.
It was when i met Nightrider (See my “Who’s Lipstick Is It” page) everything became clear. She was the most amazing woman that i ever met and everything that I found attractive i found in her. She was my first true dyke. A handsome boi with an acceptance of herself and an understanding of who I was. She was the first person to ever take the time to help me understand my identity and the first to ever flat out call me a femme. I could now understand how i fit into the gay community and how what really mattered was how i felt about myself and the person i loved. Falling in love with her, was part of the process in falling in love with my true self. Now i find myself still blissfully happy with Nightrider living my life loud and proud and at a point where i have finally stopped fighting the femme.
Monday, June 1, 2009
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